entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize