I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
