remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
