I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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