I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Send help, water and tortillas.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
