whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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