Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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