I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
