I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Randomize
