i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
