is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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