Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
