I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
