I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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