who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
