I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
