He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize