He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
