I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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