dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
