If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
