Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
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