nut hugger
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Naked. naked and bneed help.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
