I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
