Who wears a wallet chain?!
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize