glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
