I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
