there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
