Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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