I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
