She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
