Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
