so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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