I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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