I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
