I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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