She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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