somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
