Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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