Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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