I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
