Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
