Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
