also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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