please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
