either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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