Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
