I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
