guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
