Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
