I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
