I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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