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So drunk, too bad you don't want this
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
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