if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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