how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
