I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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