dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
