Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
