Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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