i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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