Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
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