Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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