What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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