Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
