And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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