why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
