I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize