So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
