Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Randomize
