Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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