I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
