even my farts smell like vagina
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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