Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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