I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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